The 9 Rules for True Apologies

By Harriet Lerner Ph.D. for Psychology Today

I’ve been studying apologies—and the people who can’t give them—for more than two decades. But you don’t need to be an expert on the subject to recognize when a bad apology flattens you.

Here’s a list of the nine essential ingredients of a true apology. The next time you need to offer an apology—or are on the receiving end of an apology that doesn’t cut it—remember these guidelines.

1. A true apology does not include the word “but” (“I’m sorry, but …”). “But” automatically cancels out an apology, and nearly always introduces a criticism or excuse.
2. A true apology keeps the focus on your actions—and not on the other person’s response. For example, “I’m sorry that you felt hurt by what I said at the party last night,” is not an apology. Try instead, “I’m sorry about what I said at the party last night. It was insensitive and uncalled for.” Own your behavior and apologize for it, period.
3. A true apology does not overdo. It stays focused on acknowledging the feelings of the hurt party without overshadowing them with your own pain or remorse.
4. A true apology doesn’t get caught up in who’s to blame or who “started it.” Maybe you’re only 14 percent to blame and maybe the other person provoked you. It can still help to simply say, “I’m sorry for my part in this.”
5. A true apology needs to be backed by corrective action. If your sister mentions she’s paid for your last few dinners together, apologize and let her know that you plan to pay for the next few.  For more, click here.

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