How to Stop Spinning and Apologize Like You Mean It
[by Howard Fencl, Hennes Communications]
Today Show fixture Matt Lauer was fired by NBC after three women mustered the courage to make public their allegations of his “pattern of inappropriate sexual behavior.” While Lauer said in his statement that he was “truly sorry” for the pain he caused, he characterized his behavior as “troubling flaws.” In the same statement Lauer said some of the accusations against him were “untrue or mischaracterized,” but that “there is enough truth in these stories to make me feel embarrassed and ashamed.”
We’ve witnessed an almost daily litany of shocking sex-related allegations against famous men. On the same day as Lauer’s alleged transgressions were revealed, Garrison Keillor, creator and voice of A Prairie Home Companion, was fired by Minneapolis Public Radio after allegations of sexual improprieties. He took a much different approach in his statement:
“I’m doing fine. Getting fired is a real distinction in broadcasting and I’ve waited 50 years for the honor. All of my heroes got fired. I only wish it could’ve been for something more heroic.”
As if that were not sufficiently tone-deaf, his statement concluded:
“If I had a dollar for every woman who asked to take a selfie with me and who slipped an arm around me and let it drift down below the beltline, I’d have at least a hundred dollars. So this is poetic irony of a high order.”
Senator Al Franken, accused of groping women, initially failed to apologize to Leeann Tweeden, his first public accuser. Instead he said he “felt terribly” that he “made some women feel badly and for that I am so sorry, and I want to make sure that never happens again.” While he later issued a more genuine apology to Tweeden and may face a Senate Ethics Committee investigation, when asked by reporters if any other women would be coming forward with similar stories, he said he couldn’t speculate.
Three approaches, similar take-away. The statements, by and large, were more about Lauer, Keillor and Franken than about the women impacted by their alleged misbehavior.
While we are generally retained by organizations that must act on sexual allegations against an employee, we occasionally agree to work with individuals who stand accused of sexual misconduct. But we do that only if they:
- Agree to tell the truth without spin
- Apologize sincerely and mean it
- Demonstrate the exact steps they will take to atone for their actions
Men who know they are guilty of sexual accusations will ultimately have to pay for their actions, whether that is payment in humiliation, shame, dollars or jail time. Spin or obfuscation may delay the day of reckoning, but ultimately, the truth will come out. Apologizing sincerely, and addressing accusations candidly and as quickly as possible can help demonstrate a sincere commitment to reform and increase the likelihood that the focus of public scorn will eventually shift.
But is that ever enough to win back reputation? When men in this situation reach a moment of clarity in which they understand and admit that their actions have irrevocably impacted the lives of their accusers and victims, and when they begin to demonstrate by their actions that they’ve internalized those insights, that’s the moment when they begin the long journey to reclaim their own good name.