How to Say ‘I’m Sorry,’ Whether You’ve Appeared in a Racist Photo, Harassed Women or Just Plain Screwed Up

Written by Lisa Leopold, Associate Professor of English Language Studies, The Middlebury Institute of International Studies at Monterey, Middlebury.

“I’m sorry.”

These two words may seem simple, but the ability to express them when you’re in the wrong is anything but – particularly for those in the public eye.

Virginia Gov. Ralph Northam, to name a recent example, was forced to apologize after his 1984 medical school yearbook page resurfaced showing two unnamed men, one with blackface and another wearing the Ku Klux Klan’s white hood and robe. That he seriously botched his effort to apologize is arguably one of the reasons many people are still calling on him to resign.

As a language scholar, I wanted to get to the bottom of just what makes an apology effective by analyzing dozens of mea culpas. While some offered authentic apologies, many more seemed defensive, insincere or forced.

With the help of insights from linguists, psychologists and business ethicists who study apologies, I found that there are three main elements each needs to have to be effective.

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