How to Apologize Like You Mean It
Effective apologies are essential to leadership, crisis communications and trust repair. Experts say a meaningful apology requires taking responsibility, acknowledging harm, avoiding excuses, promising change, offering repair and allowing space for forgiveness. For CEOs and communicators, the lesson is clear: accountability and empathy can strengthen relationships, rebuild trust and protect credibility.
By Jancee Dunn, writing for The New York Times…
Most of us can remember receiving an unsatisfying apology. A friend of mine recently got a text message after a Bumble date stood her up: “Sry,” it read. (“He didn’t even spell out the whole word,” she told me.)
When my kid was in preschool, an email arrived in my inbox. “Sorry your daughter was bitten,” it said. (The sender’s child had done the biting.)
Why is it so hard to apologize? Why do so many of us get it wrong? Saying you’re sorry involves vulnerability, said Lisa Leopold, a researcher who studies apologies.
“We also have to admit our own wrongdoing, our own failings,” she added, “and that requires tremendous humility.”
But not all apologies are equal. For a show of remorse to be truly effective, it should be focused on the other person’s feelings and needs, not your own, said Karina Schumann, an associate professor of social psychology and head of the Conflict Resolution Lab at the University of Pittsburgh who researches the topic.
The ingredients of a successful apology can vary, but here are ones that many experts agree on.
Express regret.
Do not say “I want to apologize,” or “I would like to apologize,” Leopold said. “A lot of people use that language,” she explained, but expressing a desire isn’t as effective as apologizing. Instead, simply say “I apologize,” or “I’m sorry,” she said.
Using an “I” statement strengthens your apology by taking responsibility, Leopold said. “I’m sorry for my outburst this morning,” for example, is more effective than saying “that shouldn’t have happened.”
Explain — but keep it brief.
Being specific about what you’ve done can make the other person feel understood, said Beth Polin, an associate professor of management at Eastern Kentucky University, who studies apologies. But, she added, you should keep it sincere and short.
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